Too much togetherness.

That would be me and Will.

I swear I feel annoyed with him 24-7 these days and I alternate between wanting to be a million miles away from him or wanting to put aside everything else and reconnect with him.

He's so defiant and stubborn. He flat out refuses to obey and nothing, short of threatening to take things away from him, works at all. Even taking things away doesn't get his attention, and I hate that I'm resorting to threats to get him to mind. There should be some way to show him it's the right thing to do. Why can't he understand that running away from me, crawling under clothes racks, tackling his brother and pulling him down in the middle of Target are NOT acceptable behaviors? It's not like we were there for even twenty minutes, for crying out loud. In that time he got "three strikes, you're out" which meant he lost his PBS privileges for the afternoon, and by the time we got done at Kroger, he'd lost his CD player for the afternoon for another three strikes. Of course, one punishment seems to accelerate the downhill slide and we're trapped in a vicious cyle of bad behavior, anger, punishment, and more bad behavior.

I have never spanked either of them and it goes against everything I believe in, but I swear sometimes I think it is the only way to get his attention and make him take me seriously. I have asked him in frustration before "do I need to start spanking you to make you understand that I mean what I say?" and of course he says no, but he has no concept of what it really means anyway.

Spanking him is probably the worst thing I could do for his behavior, given his tendencies to play too rough, even if I wanted to spank him.. Really, I'm at a loss. I am counting down the days to August 13, when he will have days filled with activities, learning, new friends and new adults to keep him stimulated and busy.

I keep reaching inside myself trying to find some peace, some space to step back and breathe, but all I keep doing is reacting, speaking angrily, jumping on him at the slightest provocation. I feel like I'm standing outside myself, shaking my head at my own behavior, but I'm too tired, too frazzled to do anything else right now.

I keep thinking, this is the baby I had at home, that I lovingly nursed and co-slept with for three years, the one I kept close to my body until he got too big, and look at the holy terror he's become. He's the one I worry will never have any empathy for other people, I worry he will never think of anyone but himself and what he wants, will never understand how his rambunctiousness can hurt others, and is quick to be hurtful. This is not how we have raised either of them. Michael is sweet, thoughtful and sensitive, and Will can be those things, but can just as easily be mean and insensitive. Is this just him, or have we done something wrong? Am I expecting too much from a five-year-old who is a tad socially immature?

We're going to my generous friend Beth's lake house tomorrow in South Carolina, and I was venting to her today on the phone about our neverending strife. She assured me he'd be fine once he had some other kids to play with, and said there'd be a pitcher of mojitos waiting on us when we get there. My friend Kim, her two kids, and another kid are coming tomorrow morning to pick me and the boys up; already at the lake are Beth and her two kids, and Cindy and her three kids. Beth has a big house about 100 yards from the lake, with a big covered dock, a water trampoline, a slide from the dock into the lake, a boat, and a stocked liquor cabinet. We're staying until Friday afternoon and I hope it'll be a fun, relaxing time for all of us. Already, though, I miss my practice. I won't get on the mat again until Saturday morning. I did a hot class last night, and I think I might try to get up early and do a few creaky sun salutations and maybe part of standing.

I have made a double batch of a layered tortilla, bean, cheese and ground turkey dish to take, plus a batch of banana bars which just came out of the oven. I hope that lots of swimming, sun, good food and friends will restore everyone's equilibrium.