Another first.....

I did my first assisted dropback today. It would be fair to say that John did most of the work, though.

Went to advanced primary this morning - this was the class about which I complained last week, when the teacher didn't start until 20 after 9 and we didn't get all the way through primary.

John taught today so we started on time. He kept things moving along and it was great. It was super humid in there, though...I sweated like I do in a Bikram class.

One of my breakthroughs today was experiencing a much easier navasana than I normally do. I loathe navasana. I hate any kind of core work. But today, it just felt easier and my legs were straighter, with less effort, than ever before.

Then John wanted us to press up to handstand in between, which of course is out of my league. I did some practice kicking-up, though. Most other people did the same, from what I could tell.

I couldn't get myself in supta kurmasana today, alas....got my hands bound easily, but couldn't hook one foot over the other to cross. Also, my hair got in the way...when I tried crossing feet, I was pulling my own hair.

So when we got to backbends, he had us do three urdva dhanurasanas, each of which I huffed and puffed through, then he said "stand up. Then drop back." Pretty much everyone laughed at him. No one could drop back on their own so he started coming around and assisting. The first two times, I chickened out halfway back and came up. I watched him as he went around and helped the others drop back. I guess I wanted to assure myself that he wouldn't drop me. Then he came back to me and I said "OK, I'm ready." When I was almost down I reached up and grabbed his arm and he said "I swear I'm not going to drop you. Reach for the floor." I did, and voila, there it was. Then he pulled me back up. Whee! I did it.

I also did two successful chakrasanas today. They're so fun - I don't know what I was scared of before.

Stopping to do dropbacks kind of got me out of my groove for closing, though. I love closing, but today I was distracted.

Lee and the boys left this morning to camp either until Tuesday afternoon or Wednesday morning. After yoga, I painted a wall in the kitchen, then took a shower, ate lunch, and went and poked around this big antique mall nearby. I'm leaving in a few to go to a taco place to meet a friend I haven't seen in a long time.

The most boring ashtangi on the block.

That would be me. Or to put it more accurately, it's not so much me that's boring, but my life.

So it's not even July and we're already in a bit of a monotonous routine here. Every day it's blindingly bright, hot, and humid for about fourteen hours. We fill our afternoons with swimming, playdates, tv (ugh) or maybe a movie or outing. The boys seem happy enough now, but I'm bored and restless. I haven't practiced since Tuesday, when I did a somewhat abbreviated primary series here at home. I'm planning to go to a Bikram class in about an hour, though.

Yesterday we went to see a friend of mine and while the kids played in their playroom, me and my friend and another mom sat on her front porch and I drank four gin and tonics! Yikes. I had plans to attend a Bikram class at 6:00 this morning, but needless to say, that didn't happen.

Today we went to a playdate at my friend Beth's house and she made a big pitcher of pomegranate lemonade and vodka, but I was a good girl and instead drank 32oz of water in preparation for my hot class tonight.

Lee is taking the boys camping this weekend, somewhere in east podunk, Alabama. He's planning to leave on Saturday morning and may not return until the morning of the 4th. I'm going to try to fit in a class every day - primary on Saturday morning, Bikram on Sunday afternoon, possibly and intro to Second on Monday evening, and a class of some kind on Tuesday.

There is a free exhibit at the historic courthouse here in Decatur called "Anne Frank in the World 1929-1945" and Michael and I went to see it yesterday. We didn't get all the way through it in the time we had, and I'd like to finish it soon, but in a room full of artwork done by high school kids about Anne Frank and her life, I saw a quote which I loved:

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."

Bushisms.

Lee has a "Bushism-A-Day" calendar at work, and he saves the ones that are especially moronic and brings them home to me. To wit:

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country." - Poplar Bluff, Missouri; September 6, 2004

"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe, and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right." - Rome, Italy; July 22, 2001


Went to advanced led primary this morning. I left a few minutes earlier than usual, because the boys were still asleep and I thought I'd better git while the gittin' was good. So I got there at about ten 'til 9, which would have been fine, except that the teacher - a new one - did not get started until twenty after nine. Which meant that I sat there waiting for a half hour. And because she counted so slowly, we had to skip everything between kukkatasana and setu bandasana. And this is a class that lasts and hour and 45 minutes. I was feeling a bit grumpy about it. My only led primary in a week and I don't even get to do the whole thing.

I did, however, get myself into supta kurmasana on my own again. I didn't think I was going to be able to manage it, because I was unable to scoot my own feet together after kurmasana and had to kind of look up to use my hands to move my feet. Usually when I do that, my shoulders aren't as far under my legs as they need to be to bind. I did manage to bind, though, and then got one foot atop the other, then used the top foot like a hook on my lower foot to cross my ankles and then get them behind my head. While I was there I made it a point to concentrate on my breath, since usually I am so busy getting into the posture and then thinking "woo hoo!" I am not breathing correctly.

I also chakrasana'd directly into chataranga today for the first time. Usually my knees hit the floor first, since I'm still doing kind of a sloppy backwards roll, but today I focused on straightening my legs as they came over and I did it.

Also, in shoulderstand, I experienced, ahem, a problem exclusive to women doing inversions. Fortunately, there is a lot of street noise so the studio is not quiet, and I don't think anyone heard me, but still....after several months of this I'm realizing it only happens at a certain point in my cycle - shortly before I start my period. Isn't that wierd? For the whole rest of the month, it's not an issue. I was so worried that it would happen again in headstand that I was completely tense and could only stay up for about eight breaths.

I've never been aware of anyone else doing it where I could hear, but surely it's a common problem. Or maybe the street noise is just really good at drowning it out.

You would think...

that as often as I do yoga that I wouldn't have an entire day when all I do is butt heads with Will...you'd think that I'd be able to go with the flow a little more.

Alas, you'd be wrong.

I'm better than I used to be, that's for sure...I yell a LOT less and I let things go a lot more...my mantra is "that's not the hill I want to die on today".

Last night Will kept punching the shower curtain while Michael was in the shower and I told him to knock it off; that's how water winds up all over the floor. He kept on (after an afternoon of questionable behavior) so I told him that he wasn't going to be able to watch the WWII documentary that the rest of us were planning to watch that night.

Naturally, he pitched an ungodly fit, so while Lee & Michael watched the video, I stayed upstairs with Will and listened to him rant. I settled down on his bed, closed my eyes, and just breathed. I felt suprisingly relaxed and not at all like yelling or anything.

Today was a different story...I started off by letting him watch the movie "Narnia" so that I could do primary downstairs and then make a few phone calls. It was an abbreviated primary...I skipped janu c, some vinyasas between sides, only held headstand for ten breaths, etcetera....I put on a Snatam Kaur CD that was exactly 60 minutes, and I had laid in savasana for about a minute and a half when the CD ended. Anyway, I had a pretty good practice, but once the movie was over Will was bouncing off the walls and wanted to do a one-man reenactment of the battle scene. He was so loud and rowdy that I asked him to go do it in his room. Finally I told him that he had two choices: be quiet in my room, or be loud in his. If he chose to be loud in my room, he would get the boot. His choices were laid out very clearly, but he kept on being loud in my room, so I hustled him out of there and shut the door, which sent him into another fit.

He is making me apeshit these days. Five or six times a day, we have a conversation like this:

Me: Will, I have already asked you not to do X. You have a choice: do X again and get sent to your room, or stop doing X and stay in here with me. What do you choose?

Will: But mommy, I'm just (fill in explanation for "x").

Me: I know you are. And I'm telling you that I'm tired of the noise. So, do you want to stay in here with me and be quiet, or go make your noise somewhere else?

Will: I want to stay in here.

Me: So what's going to happen if you do X?

Will (grumpily): I go to my room.

Me: And how many more chances do you get?

Will (grumpily): No more.

Me: So do you want to go to your room?

Will: NO!

Me: So what do you have to do?

Will: Be quiet.

EVEN AFTER all that, when I'm absolutely sure there is no question in his mind what the consequences will be if he doesn't follow directions, he STILL acts completely outraged when, after he does X again, I escort him to his room - as if he had no idea I'd do such a thing, and then he bursts into enraged sobs and accuses me of hurting his feelings. Today each of these exchanges ended in a shouting match. *sigh*

I am trying to let things flow over me...trying not to react to everything...but when it comes to Will, I feel like I need to have a firmer hand, that I just can't let everything go. I HAVE to react.

It was supposed to rain all afternoon ("all afternoon" = ten minutes), so after I got Michael from Spanish camp and fed them lunch, I took them to see "Surf's Up", which was cute, but not $19.75 for admission + $7.00 for a small Sprite and pink lemonade cute. The entire time, he was restless (not enough fighting/guns, I guess) and kept begging me for another lemonade.

This too shall pass...this too shall pass....give it six weeks and he'll be an angel, not a sociopath in the making....

Today's practice was one of those...

...that affirms why I'm doing this (as opposed to one that, afterward, I ask myself "why do I bother?")

I wish there were a specific set of conditions I could return to in order to guarantee a great practice. Who knows why today's practice was so great? I made big progress in several areas...no touching knees down at all during chatarangas today....crown of my head flat on the floor during prasaritas b & d....no wobbling during uttita hasta on the right AND I was looking over my left shoulder....easy wrist binds in marichy D....legs a little straighter than usual in navasana.....and I crossed my own ankles during supta kurmasama! First I clasped my hands, then I started rocking a little from side to side to scoot my feet together. Once they were together, I somehow wiggled one foot atop the other, then hooked the toes of my upper foot around the lower one, somehow, and then pulled my upper foot across the lower. Whoot!

I got my arms almost all the way through in garba pindasana - I can touch my chin but can't rest my chin in my hands yet - and kept them there during my SIX (not eight or nine per usual) rolls...nearly got my chin to the floor in upavista konasana...and most thrilling of all, managed to chakrasana with mostly straight legs, without hurting myself, and without making a loud 'bang' on the wood floor.

I also felt very focused throughout the practice. During my savasana, though, instead of feeling relaxed, I felt full of energy, like I could do the whole series again right then.

I'm kind of blown away by how great this practice was and how much I've progressed, all of the sudden.

Note to self:

Margaritas in the middle of the afternoon are usually not a good idea.


Whew! I can't remember the last time I felt this buzzed during the day...long before having kids, definitely.

My uber-crafty friend Beth has organized field trips and get-togethers for a bunch of us moms this summer and today was a "Father's Day Card making party" at my friend Cindy's house, in her big, shady backyard. There were about seven moms and fifteen or sixteen kids. The kids had juice boxes, cheese puffs, fruit and popsicles and us moms had a giant pitcher of margaritas, plus some chips and pimiento cheese. Good lord. Three margaritas later and I was a mess. When I was about half an hour from having to pick up Michael from camp, I ate a bunch of chips and chug-a-lugged a ton of water. I'm feeling more with it now, but the drinking doesn't stop there....tonight the moms are getting together at Beth's to make stepping stones. The kids made them for Father's Day last week and there was a ton of stuff leftover, so the moms are making some tonight. Naturally, wine will be involved. It's a good thing I wasn't planning to practice tomorrow.

I did practice this morning...I showed up for intermediate primary and Michael, the teacher, said "well, it might just be you and me" and I told him that when that happened with John, we practiced together. He said "we might do that today" and I told him that I liked doing that because in the intermediate level classes, we rarely covered the postures between navasana and setu bandasana and I'm ready to work on them more often. Well, two more people showed up, so it was a led class, but Michael covered almost all of those postures except for bhujapindasana and the kurmasanas. It was a good class, a nice, steady practice for me. It took a while for my hamstrings and lower back to get with the program, though.

Lee is taking the boys to his brother's lake house first thing Saturday morning, so my plan is to go get my butt kicked in John's advanced primary class on Saturday morning, then listen to "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" on cd while I paint one wall of the living room (I've already done two and need to do two more). Sunday morning I'm planning to do a hot class.

That is, if I've recovered from all this alcohol consumption by then!

Upavishta konasana

For the first time ever today I rolled up from supta konasana to upavishta konasana, on the first try, without having to let go of my toes. Funny how engaging the bandhas will help with something like that...

I also, after savasana (I was practicing at home today) tried bakasana again, and lo and behold, got in it and held it for two breaths! The hardest part is getting my legs positioned correctly on my triceps. I am never sure where to put them, and what's more, my shins are really bony and my triceps now have big bruises on them.

My kurmasana really stunk today, though. You know what I really dislike? Having to scoot my heels across the floor. I guess at some point, ideally, I will be in tittibasana with straight legs and then I just lower myself into kurmasana, no scooting necessary. But I can't get into tittibasana, much less with straight legs, so I kind of sit with my arms angling behind my legs, which means my legs are bent, which means I have to work them out straight. The feeling is like fingernails on a chalkboard.

One thing this morning had me really giggling - I put on Snatam Kaur's CD "Shanti" during practice, to drown out the sound of my dishwasher running. I adore Snatam Kaur, and this CD is one of my favorites. The first time Lee heard her, he said "her voice makes me think of everything good in the universe". So having said that, this funny is at her expense, but really, I think she is wonderful. She mostly sings in another language, I'm not sure what's it's called, and for the longest time whenever I'd hear the last song on this CD, I'd giggle to myself imagining she's singing the words "oh, I'm so high!" because that's what it sounds like. Of course she's not really saying that. Anyway, today I finally looked at the CD case to see the name of the song so I could forget about my juvenile little joke, and the real name of the song made me giggle even more: "Ong Sohung". Great! Now I'll be thinking the words are "oh, I'm so hung!"

Little House on the Prairie

That's what it feels like when I start digging deep in the pantry and freezers for food. Money is tight until payday, so I'm trying to use up what I have stockpiled. And I stockpiled it for exactly this reason, didn't I.

So last night I made a layered mexican dish with the last of the salsa, sour cream, and whole wheat tortillas, plus a couple of chopped carrots and an onion. I also added half a package of browned ground turkey from the depths of my other freezer. The boys had fruit with theirs and we had a salad. Lee had the leftovers for lunch today. For lunch I had a small piece of leftover steak on a salad.

Tonight for dinner I made cream of carrot & sweet potato soup for the boys, using up half the batch of chicken broth I made yesterday from last week's roast chicken carcass. Lee and I had a salad with the last of a bunch of veggies from the fridge - romaine, a few cherry tomatoes from the garden, carrots, broccoli, crumbled feta and sunflower seeds, along with a couple diced slices of deli roast beef.

I also made the boys a one-pan vegan chocolate cake with the last of my cocoa powder and a leftover cup of coffee.

I am going to have to break down and go to the grocery for more veggies and fruit, but tomorrow night is the other half of the ground turkey turned into spaghetti. I keep fantasizing about doing a ginormous stocking-up shop at the grocery store, farmer's market and Trader Joe's.

You might be a domestic geek if you fantasize about grocery shopping...

We had a stupendous rain this afternoon, FINALLY. I can list on one hand every occasion it has rained since the middle of the last week in April. Today's rain was one of those hot summer afternoon storms that blows up and in violently, dumping rain for about twenty minutes before it's gone and sunny again. My tall black-eyed Susans next to the driveway took a beating in the storm, so I had to cut an armful of them to see if that would help them stand back up again.

Practice today was uninspiring...I felt as if my limbs were filled with lead. Not sure what was up....too many carbs? Not enough water? Low barometric pressure? Dunno. This teacher is not my favorite...his pace is a bit slow for me. Anyway, I felt sluggish even though I was practicing next to the guy whose energy and practice inspired me a couple weeks ago...he's a big, beefy, football-playerish looking guy (except for his earrings) and he has a lovely practice, complete with light, graceful jumpthroughs and soundless jumpbacks. He can get a full wrist bind in tirianga mukha! If I could ever manage to keep my opposing butt cheek fully on the floor in that posture, maybe I could get one too....

Speaking of wrist binds, as I was getting mine on the right in marichy d today, I felt a really nice 'pop' in my mid-back as I simultaneously straightened my spine and twisted....ahhh. A girl could get addicted to that popping.

Saturday

Yesterday Lee & the boys found a young robin with a hurt wing. Rather than leave it to experience the inevitable death by neighborhood cat, they put it in a box with some pine straw and leaves, a dish of water, and a few worms from the compost pile. Then Lee wedged the box in the low branches of a crape myrtle tree by our driveway.

The robin was still alive this morning when they checked on him, but had expired by early this afternoon.

After I went out to the garden to pick strawberries and blueberries and discovered that the birds and squirrels have been helping themselves to my fruit, I told Lee that maybe I should put the dead robin on display in the garden, like some kind of mafia warning symbol. "This could happen to you, varmints!"

Awesome advanced full primary this morning.

Well, let me just cut to the chase and say that I don't think I'll ever figure out bakasana. Here I go marking myself as a baby ashtangi, and I probably will eventually figure it out, but it just feels like I won't.

I have looked at a few pictures online and I can't figure out if my knees are supposed to be literally in my armpits, or just resting on my triceps. And are my shins supposed to be angled across my arms, feet together? And how the heck does one keep the shins there without them slipping off?

So anyway, the first part of the class, which was the most crowded class I've ever taken there, was taught by a brand-new or else still-in-teacher-training teacher. She was better than the other teacher whose class I took the other night, that's for sure. Anyway, at bhujapidasana, John took over. He picked up the pace quite a bit and upped the intensity too. Bhujapidasana is another one that seems insurmountable - how will I ever manage to tuck my feet under enough and bend my arms enough to touch my forehead to the mat?

At kurmasana, John came and leaned on me - I can just about get my legs straight with heels off the ground - and at supta kurmasana, bound my hands and crossed my ankles. Man, does that posture ever make my collarbones protest.

I was so sweaty that getting my hands all the way through my legs for garbha pindasana was a cinch, and I can almost rest my chin in my hands. As well, my chakrasanas are marginally improved...they're still basically a backwards somersault, but at least I am coming over straight now instead of to one side. I've also found that if I think about it, they really suck, but if I just do it, they're a little bit better.

Then he threw in bakasana, then headstand with what I think is called the tripod base. I gave it a try, got up, then wobbled...lowered my legs...and rolled/fell out of it with a big, loud bang on the wood floor. Thankfully the woman in front of me was at the top of her mat so I didn't hit her. He took us through a few more bakasana/headstand/handstand transitions, then through the next section to urdva dhanurasana. By then, my arms were trembling, I was soaked with sweat and the room was filled with lots of heavy breathing. We did three urdva dhanurasanas, only the first of which I could do with straight arms, then he said "one more just for fun", then one more after that during which he had us lift alternate legs. By that point I could only manage modified bridge. Then he left us to do closing on our own.

It rocked.

If I'm completely honest with myself, my love of this style of yoga has a whole lot to do with the physical and intellectual challenge. There's the mental/emotional/spiritual component to it also, but I admit to loving to work hard to learn the postures and to memorize the sequence.

Maybe it's not that I have to focus on working hard on the non-physical practice; maybe it just happens. I like to quantify things in my mind and that aspect of the practice is not so easily quantified.

Part of the reason I moved on from Bikram was because I felt like I had mostly mastered the postures and was ready for a new challenge. I keep wondering if I am going to feel that was about ashtanga at some point.

Though given my status in bhujapidasana and bakasana, that seems unlikely. ;-)

I think that my mental/emotional practice must be evolving somewhat, though...when I attend a Bikram class now, it is too "talky" for me to be able to really focus on my breath and get into that mental place that I often get into in ashtanga.

It's just harder because I can't point to the non-physical practice and say "look how far I've come and how much I have left to do".

Mama Yogini's Deep Thoughts for a Saturday...

And I just wanted to add: I am no fan of Paris Hilton at all, but I feel uncomfortable with all the glee over her misery I'm seeing in the media and in blogs. It seems so unnecessarily cruel. She seems to be basically useless as a human being, but even useless people have feelings. I feel really bad for her.

Wearing them out

That's a change from the other way around - them wearing ME out.

This week Will has been in half-day soccer camp, and Michael has had morning group tennis lessons. I'm really impressed with the soccer camp; the coach running it coaches collegiate soccer but he is great with the younger kids, and all the counselors are college soccer players. It's half day for Will's age and full day for older kids.

Michael's tennis lessons are from 10 to 11:30 out in the hot sun and he refuses to wear a hat. He's completely red in the face and droopy when I pick him up.

Two days ago after I picked Will up from soccer we went over to a friend's house to swim in their pool. We stayed for a few hours and when we got home, Will was on the verge of falling asleep on the sofa. That night he was sound asleep by 8:00 and Michael by 9:00, which is unusual for both of them.

Yesterday after soccer camp we went over to my uber-crafty friend Beth's house, where about twenty kids and their moms made stepping stones for Father's Day. I had a beer while I was there and had a headache for the rest of the day.

Practice this week consisted of a practice at home on Monday while Michael was at tennis, and a 7:45 class at the studio on Tuesday night. It was listed as intermediate primary, but it turned out to be an excruciatingly slow half primary with a bunch of hip opening type postures following. I was feeling a bit grumpy about it, actually. If I had known, I wouldn't have wasted one of my classes on it. It was my first, and probably last, class with this particular teacher.

I also practiced this morning, doing David Swenson's 45 minute primary with a couple of extra postures thrown in.

In about half an hour we're meeting some friends at the pool and hopefully Lee will join us there when he gets home from work.

Tomorrow morning I am going to the 9am full primary, which I am very much looking forward to, then I'm going to Trader Joe's. Then I'm planning to paint the trim on the inside of the back door.

And so goes another thrilling week chez Mama Yogini....

One down, ten to go

Weeks, that is, until summer vacation is over.

Really, I'm trying to keep a good attitude about summer and not spend every minute loathing it, but I'm feeling a bit dispirited today. Lee is out of town all week and likely part of next, he worked all weekend and likely will have to next weekend even though he'll be home, and we're dead broke and I can't afford to take the boys anywhere except the pool, which they will be burned out on by July 4th if I take them every day. There seems to be no respite from the hot, bright sun, no rain, no clouds, no nothing.

Geez, I'm feeling sorrier for myself than ever. Gosh, I love summer! We're having a blast! Summer rocks! We have so much free time and I just love it! Sunshine for days - who could ask for anything more?!?

Practice - I went Saturday morning to a more advanced primary class. I have not been to that class before and I was worried I'd clearly be the least capable ashtangi, but I needn't have worried. John was not feeling well and left us on our own at utkatasana, and I kept an eye on the people in the front row, but I pretty much knew what I was doing for the whole rest of the series. I had a great class, tons of sweat and good focus.

Both boys have camps this week in the morning - Will is at soccer camp at Agnes Scott from 9 to 1 and Michael is taking tennis from 10-11:30, so I rushed home after taking Michael and did an abbreviated primary in about fifty minutes, skipping vinyasas between sides and leaving out a few postures. Any other practices this week will be likewise abbreviated.

And I'm Little Susie Sunshine, signing off!

The guest house

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival;
a joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and attend them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows
who violently sweep your house empty
of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourable.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the same, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each guest has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- Rumi