You know you're a real mom when....

you know about thirty minutes before your child does that he's going to throw up.

Poor Will....and he did it in front of the house where we were going swimming, so I had to take him in and see if I could leave Michael to swim and catch a ride home with one of the other moms. Boy, was Will unhappy about not getting to stay.

We spent a few hours at the zoo this afternoon, I thought we'd go before it gets so brutally hot, and he seemed fine, but he got quieter and quieter...he didn't complain of feeling bad but I just knew what was coming. When we got where we were going and got out of the car, I said "buddy, lean over the grass and see if anything comes up." He did, and it did.

(And this is the point where all you non-parents go "ugh!" and quickly click away.)

Actually, there are worse things than being inside in the cool, dim air-conditioned house with a child not feeling well...he's on the sofa watching PBS and it's very peaceful now.

So, yesterday's practice was five surya namaskar a's and one b...then Will came down to ask if we could go to the pool...so I did a headstand and called it quits. I wasn't really trying to do a full practice, but I did hope to get in a full set of surya namaskars, some stretching, backbends and stuff, but oh well.

This morning I let them watch "The Incredibles" so I could do a full practice. I put on Snatam Kaur to drown out the noise from the new neighbors moving in next door - lock me up in the yoga prison and throw away the key - and I had an awesome practice. Okay, I skipped janu C, since my right pinky toe has just not been the same since I caught it on the mat during a jump up, but I did everything else, with a couple of firsts....I was able to look over my left shoulder during utthita hasta B (I can do it on the right)...got the soles of both feet flat on the floor during purvottanasana....leaned farther down in bhujapidasana (still way away from the floor, but getting closer)...and got myself into supta kurmasana! I got into kurmasana with legs nearly straight...then I rotated my arms forward, crossed my ankles easily, then hooked my fingers together behind my back. I tried wriggling my right shoulder a little more under my leg to get a better bind, which made my hands spring apart, and then I could only touch my fingertips.

I also did all three backbends with straight arms. I love it when my lower back obliges during backbends...some days it feels like it's going to snap in half and other days it's bendy like a noodle.

Also, another major accomplishment...and I know this marks me as such a baby ashtangi....but I went though almost the whole series being able to go from chataranga to updog without touching my hips to the floor!

The full practice previous to this, I could tell I was getting to that point...and today I got there. What a great feeling! After the postures that really work my arms, such as the maris, I still have to touch down. But I am so much stronger than I was six months ago, when a set of five surya namaskar a's & b's left my arms trembling and weak, so much that I could barely grip the steering wheel to drive myself home from class. I'm so proud of this accomplishment....I've always been much more flexible than strong.

My chakrasanas were some terrible, sloppy backward somersaults today. I don't even know where to begin making them better....but I'm proud of myself for overcoming my fear of trying.

In other summer vacation news....I've been consciously maintaining a more mellow, in-the-present attitude instead of waking up each morning going "oh god! How many more days of this hell?" I also made an awesome loaf of 100% whole wheat bread in the breadmaker yesterday. The boys loved it. I'm going to make them some French toast in the morning with what's left. And today, hen Lee gets home, I'm going with a friend to get a pedicure and a glass of wine.

Next week I may turn into a screaming banshee from hell, because Lee will be out of town all week. Breathe in, breathe out. It's not my circumstances that will cause me pain, but my reaction to them. Namaste, kids! Now go pick up those legos before mommy loses her mind!

Solitary (wo)man

So, I spent most of the weekend blissfully alone. Lee and the boys left Saturday morning for NC. I spent about 3-1/2 hours selling hot dogs for the PTA at the Decatur Arts Festival, then I was on my own. I was pretty productive the rest of Saturday: I cleaned out the hermit crab cage, washed Lee's car, repotted a couple of plants, uploaded about a hundred and fifty photos from my camera, edited them, and uploaded them to a photosharing website; I also folded three loads' worth of laundry while I watched "Blow Dry", which was kind of lame. I only got it from Netflix because I have a bit of a crush on Alan Rickman.

I fully intended to get up on Sunday morning for a 10 am hip opening class, but I laid awake for several hours during the night and then didn't wake up until 9:15, which wouldn't have been enough time for me to have my coffee, feed the cat, get my contacts in, and drive to midtown. So I did full primary at home (or most of it, I skipped some vinyasas between sides), creaky and uninspired, but I did it. I really love the energy of the studio. I am going to have to do a lot of practices at home this summer if I'm going to keep it up, and I'm not crazy about it, but I'm not going to make it to the studio very often this summer.

After my practice, I went and browsed around a new Goodwill nearby, then I went to a matinee of "Waitress", which was a fun movie. I paid $8.50 for a matinee. Is that not obscene? Or maybe this theater doesn't have matinee pricing, since it's an "art cinema"? I ran into Trader Joe's for a few groceries, then came home. I downloaded several podcasts of "Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me" which I am addicted to, and used to listen to regularly, but have missed lately, and I listened to them while I folded yet more laundry, sorted outgrown clothes and packed them away for later or for selling at consignment, sorted my remaining eBay inventory, put fresh sheets on all the beds, dusted, and vacuumed.

I was insomniacal again last night, but I made myself get up in time today to walk to a 9:30 Bikram class, which rocked. I sweated tons, and have been trying all afternoon to get hydrated again. I also dug up a bunch of daffodil bulbs from a place where they won't bloom anymore because it's too shady, and planted two hostas in the resulting hole.

The guys got home a little while ago, each of them totally grubby, but they had a good time. Michael was sick yesterday, vomiting and feverish, which is something that went around the second grade the last two weeks of school. It's probably only a matter of time before Will gets sick. Michael is feeling better today, but is still a bit subdued. Lee had to go into work for a while, so we're just hanging at home.

So next week starts actual vacation...I am going to get up each day with lots of patience and love in my heart and a resolution not to lose it when the squabbling gets out of hand, and it's too hot do go anywhere....there's always loud music from my mp3 if all else fails.

I've been tagged

by yogamum.

Gosh, I feel like one of the cool kids now. ;-)

Eight random facts about me:

1. I cheated on my algebra final in the 10th grade so that I would have a "B" average in class, and if I had a "B" average, my parents would let me have a phone in my room. (This was in 1982, so it was kind of a big deal!).

2. Once I thought I was going to drown in the Snake River in Wyoming. My husband and I were canoeing down the river, and we got caught in a whirlpool in some rapids. The canoe went over, and I felt like I was trapped underwater for a couple of hours. (I did ruin my camera, which was in my pocket).

3. I periodically see Emily Saliers of the Indigo Girls at the grocery store.

4. The first thing I look for in the newspaper every morning is the comic "For Better or For Worse".

5. I was chaplain of my college sorority for a year.

6. My greatest fear is of having to speak in public.

7. I hate my feet. But yoga has definitely helped me accept them.

8. If I were going to be stranded on a desert island for the rest of my life and could take only three cd's with me, they would be "Kind of Blue" by Miles Davis, the White Album by the Beatles, and "Reveling Reckoning" by Ani DiFranco.

I'm not sure I know eight other bloggers to tag...I've deliberately kept my blog-o-sphere small so I don't get sucked into blog surfing for hours every day. Hmmm, I'll have to think on the tagging thing.

I went to a hot class tonight, as soon as Lee got home from work. He brought with him some things he picked up for me at the little organic farmer's market near his building: two dozen fresh organic eggs, two bags of salad greens, a dozen Vidalia onions. During class, as my stomach growled, I fantasized about those organic eggs. So my dinner tonight was three soft-boiled organic eggs and some organic strawberries. That, and three squares of Dagoba organic 87% extra dark chocolate.

Hot class rocked...the heat was tough, but ashtanga has most definitely made it easier to hold my focus in there. I'm planning to go to a led primary in the morning, so we'll see if I suck wind as badly as I think I will there. I felt too wiped out to do the backbends I usually do after a hot class, but I did hold a nice, long, steady headstand. Why was I so afraid of headstand?

This weekend I am working several hours at the PTA hot dog stand at the Decatur Arts Festival...then the weekend is mine, all mine! Lee's sister and her husband and brother and his wife are going camping at the family property in Hanging Dog, NC, and Lee has decided to take the boys and go for two nights. I am a little bit sorry I can't go, but I've already committed to my volunteer stint, and besides, I am so excited at the prospect of free time! I want to go see a movie or two, like a chick flick I wouldn't normally get to see...I'll have to wait and see what's playing this weekend. I'm also going to read...and do yoga....and sleep late...and wash the car....and browse the Arts Fest...will I fit it all in? I don't know, but I'm going to have fun trying.

"The Joy of Bread"

That is on a billboard which I occasionally pass outside of town....accompanied by a photo of a sandwich made of spongy-looking white Sara Lee bread and a woman who appears to be in the throes of ecstasy.

I rarely eat bread anymore, but yesterday I made a loaf of maple-oatmeal bread in my bread machine, inspired by the leftover buttermilk I bought for Will's birthday cake, and the nearly full jar of bread machine yeast in the fridge. I used half bread flour and half King Arthur White Whole Wheat. I set the machine to run while I went to the library and to pick up the boys from school. By the time we got home, it was nearly done and oh, my gosh. Did it ever smell wonderful!

I cut the boys each a big slice and buttered it and they scarfed it up. I could not resist...I had a half slice myself. Now that is some bread worth getting ecstatic about.

The air quality today is absolutely terrible here because of the wildfires raging near the Okeefenokee swamp which is hundreds of miles away. Will's class was supposed to go on a walking field trip today to the neighborhood pizza place, but when I turned my cell on after yoga, I had a message from his teacher, asking for permission to put Will on the bus for the field trip. I immediately called the school and the receptionist said he went on the field trip. Either she got ahold of Lee, who was in meetings all morning, or else she put him on the bus anyway, seeing as how I'm the one who set up the field trip.

I'm sure that they felt like the air quality was too poor to let the kids walk, but firing up a stinky diesel school bus to go four blocks wasn't going to make things any better.

So I went to practice today with my cheat sheet, thinking it was going to be 'self-practice' day, but there was a new guy there and John said that since he'd not really publicized the change to 'self-practice', it was going to be a led class. The new guy said he'd practiced before, but not lately. Clearly, he'd had a regular practice at some point. I actually felt like I picked up on his energy. His chatarangas were smooth, and his transitions between postures were made with (unlike me, usually) a minimum of futzing around and getting set up for the posture. As a result, my chatarangas and my transitions were smoother.

At kurmasana, John stepped behind me and moved my arms just a little bit further back and I could almost get my heels off the ground. Then he rotated my arms, I hooked my fingers together easily, then he crossed my ankles. My collarbones were grumbling about being so crunched, but otherwise it felt great. Then - and I've never done this before - he lifted up my crossed ankles so that I was upright and instructed me to lift myself up with my hands. I'm months, I'm sure, from tittibasana/bakasana, but it was cool to get to try.

At the first chakrasana out, I just went for it ("it ain't nothin' but a thang") still coming up a bit to the left. John was on his way over to me and looked suprised and pleased that I tried it. He said "next time, straight legs". So at the next chakrasana, I tried but I don't think my legs were any straighter.

Headstand was great, I was able to hold for fifteen easy breaths, and instead of bringing my legs crashing down per usual, I was able to lower them with control.

I sweated buckets and that felt great too. My shoulder, knee, hip and elbow joints, all of which felt achy and stiff before practice, felt great afterward. Have I mentioned that I felt GREAT??? ;-)

Social butterfly

Friday night was happy hour & dinner at a kid friendly Mexican place with a large patio with about five other families. Even for the place & time it was noisy & chaotic, and quite frankly, I wouldn't do it again with that many people. As an introvert, I think I've adapted pretty well and embraced my numerous social opportunities, but I have my limits. My kids were pretty well behaved, happily - other kids screamed, ran around, threw chips in the fountain, etc.

Then last night was a fund-raising party called "Martinis in the Garden" which was held at the neighborhood cooperative garden. There were several hundred people sipping either sour apple, lemon drop, cosmopolitan, or gin martinis alongside a flock of chickens, vegetable plants, and a compost pile. It was quite fun. Lee and Michael were gone doing yard work for my M-I-L, who lives about an hour and a half south of us, so Will and I were by ourselves all day. In the morning, we went to Trader Joe's, then just hung out at home all afternoon. Then later, Will stayed with the husband & kids of one of my girlfriends with whom I went to the party.

After the party, we were all starving, so we walked back to my friend's house, got Will, and then walked down to the village to eat. Will pulled his chair up next to mine and dozed with his head in my lap until his food arrived.

To my suprise, I felt great this morning. I woke up before anyone else, which I love doing, and puttered around: started the coffee, fed the cat, went out and checked on the garden (I think varmints have been eating our strawberries), scrubbed the kitchen sink, cleaned off my desk. and uploaded pictures from last night.

This afternoon, Lee took the boys hiking, so after dithering about going to yoga versus practicing at home, I decided to practice at home, which I did yesterday also. Yesterday I felt stronger, but I also struggled, again, with my breath. I think I've got some seasonal allergy related shortness of breath. Today I felt a bit more tired and a little bit sore, especially my hip flexors, inner thighs, and my collarbones.

No big strides in practice, though in these last two practices I've felt like I've been more revolved than ever before in revolved triangle - I find that posture easier than triangle. I am still working on learning the section between bhujapidasana and closing, especially the transitions, so that I don't have to use my 'cheat sheet' for long. For example, I can never remember if it's supta konasana or urdva upavishta konasana where you balance on your sit bones, then come down still holding onto your toes (and my heels always slam very loudly into the floor). I also tried chakrasana several times during yesterday's practice, and I still come over a little bit to the left.

Today's kurmasana was one of my better ones - before I lowered myself to the floor, I really pushed my shoulders as far as I could behind my legs. Then at supta kurmasana, I followed the order in David Swenson's book - bend knees, then cross ankles, then bind hands (I have been binding hands, then scooching my feet together - I can then unbind, cross my toes over each other, then bind again). I crossed my ankles easily, but could only bind my fingers then. I have some big, ugly bruises inside my elbows to show for all this kurmasana struggle ;-).

Alas, I am still unable to lower my feet and raise them again in headstand at the end of practice, though when I am not sucking wind, I can do it easily. Practice, and stamina is coming.

Tomorrow is the first day of the last week of school and I'm feeling the pinch. What do I want and need to accomplish this last week? Shopping? Yoga? Pedicure? Errands? Yoga definitely, at least Tuesday & Thursday and probably a hot class on Wednesday. I haven't been to my favorite thrift store in at least a month...decisions, decisions.

Smoking

Last night, after taking Michael to a private screeing of "Shrek the Third" (a friend whose mom could get tickets to the screening invited Michael's class) I met some mom friends out for a drink. In all, there were about eight of us. Of this eight, only two of us did not smoke, me and my friend Gwen. All of these women are smart, beautiful and funny moms. One of them practices Iyengar yoga and pilates very regularly, eats an extremely healthy diet with no sugar or refined grains, yet she smokes. Another woman's husband has just finished undergoing chemotherapy for a tumor on his vocal cords. All of these women have several young kids each.

Gwen and I were freezing and wanted to move inside, but couldn't because the others wouldn't be able to smoke.

Smoking is such a vile, unhealthy habit and I can't understand it. I wish they wouldn't smoke, for their own sakes. Maybe because they're not heavy smokers, it's justifiable in their minds.

Anyway....after drinking two Stella drafts last night and not getting to bed until about 11:45, I thought I'd be hurting at practice today. I wanted to have a great practice, because at home yesterday I worked on headstand and lowering my legs halfway (which explains why my shoulders and collarbones are achy today). I thought I didn't have the core strength for it, but apparently I do! I did it several times, getting used to shifting my weight a little bit backwards to compensate for my legs coming down. I also practiced bhujapidasana, after reading about it at the ashtanga forums....as suggested, I focused on lifting up my tailbone more than trying to tilt forward, and it works...still not anywhere near the floor with my forehead yet, though, and I can't figure out how to make my crossed feet clear as I go forward - but that's the way to go about it.

So there were three of us there for class today and the other two are newer at it than I am, so John did the intermediate level primary and skipped everything from bhujapidasana to whatever comes before setu bandasana. We did a couple of killer backbends, by which time I was really, really tired. I had trouble with my breath today, a hard time focusing and I felt a bit short of breath. I also felt very head-rushy during the surya namaskars and saw spots several times when I returned to samasthiti. So by backbends, I was huffing like a steam engine. On the third backbend, John came over and pushed on my knees, trying to make them straighter and trying to get me to inch them back toward my hands, but I had to shake my head 'no' because I was about to come down on my head.

Unfortunately, I was really out of gas for headstands, so when I tried to pike back down halfway, my legs just came all the way down....no strength left to hold them up. I did hold my headstands for ten breaths each, though.

After thinking about chakrasana yesterday and how afraid of it I am, I decided I needed to push out of my comfort zone so after class I asked John if he would help me with it next week and he said he would. I also tried it a couple times on the carpet when I got home from class...I can't seem to lift myself off my head with my hands. I think it's all momentum that gets me over, and I keep coming up slightly to the left. I felt encouraged that I did it without hurting myself, though.

Aches and pains

Am I too old for this, or just beating myself up?

- after supta kurmasana last week - I don't remember which day, but it was when John crossed my ankles for me - my collarbones ached and have ever since.

- I bound my hands in supta kurmasana today, though I was only able to cross my toes, and my left shoulder aches now.

- my left knee is persistently achy, as is my left hip, way down in the crease, and coming out of tightly bound poses like mari d on the left is way more difficult than going in.

- after the practice last week when I felt something pop in my right elbow, I thought it was all better, but it's not. I practiced at home yesterday and it popped again...it popped with every chataranga after that, and again today. But one good thing has come from that...I engage my uddiyada bandhas as much as I possibly can, to give myself at least the illusion of lightness, if not actual lightness, in chataranga.

- yesterday while jumping into a seated posture I caught my right pinkie toe on the mat and pretty much bent it out to 90 degrees - ouch!

- and I've eaten enough of Will's fabulous birthday cake to have already accumulated a pooch in front which hinders my binding - but that's self-inflicted and will go away, now that we've eaten all the cake.

After a string of Tuesdays with me and John or me and one other person and John, he's decided to change Tuesday morning's class into "self-practice". Today it was me and one other teacher there to practice and John. No adjustments, unfortunately, but it was still pretty good. I was following along with the other teacher, since I'm still unsure in places about the order of the postures, but he moved more slowly than I wanted to, and he stopped before closing, so I got John's laminated cheat sheet off the refrigerator and set it in front of my mat for reference about halfway through seated. The part I am least familiar with is from bhujapidasana through setu bandasana, because the level of primary classes I've been taking usually skip that section. I found a cheat sheet online when I got home that I'm going to take with me on Tuesdays and stash under my mat for "self practice" day.

I have to say, I'm feeling pretty darn good about my headstands. Because I have nowhere near the core strength to pike halfway down and back up again, I usually go up and come down three times, and I've been able to stay longer and longer each time....today I stayed up for more than ten breaths in each of my three headstands.

Now, to overcome my fear of chakrasana....

Five Years Ago Today

I gave birth to this little guy at home.



Actually, 'little' isn't really the right word, because he weighed 12 pounds, 2 ounces, was 24-3/4 inches long and had a 16 inch head.

Giving birth to him under any circumstances would have been an amazing event, but doing it at home with a midwife and, obviously, no medication, was truly the most amazing, incredible, and empowering thing I've ever done, by far.

His birth story is here (for any birth junkies out there).



Whenever I'm feeling chickenshit about something, I remember his birth, and I think, if I can do that, I can do anything.

Now, he's a sturdy, loud, blue-eyed, rambunctious guy who towers over all the kids in his pre-K class, has a scream like a police whistle being blown in your ear, hates vegetables, loves Magic Tree House books, Legos, and Harry Potter, worships his older brother, and climbs in our bed to sleep between me and Lee every single night. He'll start kindergarten in the fall and I can't believe it - this big baby boy who used to love the Wiggles and nursed until he was three.

He's so heavy I can no longer pick him up, but he still wants me to.







Happy birthday to my special buddy!

I admit to being a bit snobbish...

when it comes to baking, especially layer cakes and cupcakes.

There's just nothing, nothing at all, like a totally from-scratch cake. I just can't bring myself to go the Cake Mix Doctor route, because I am a major label-reader and some of the ingredients in those mixes are frightening.

So when I saw a recipe for "Best Birthday Cake" in the food section of the paper recently, I cut it out to make for Will for his birthday, which is Monday. If the batter is any indication, the cake is going to be spectacular.

Last night I made three layers for the cake (the recipe calls for two, but two days ago, the food section printed an addendum to the recipe, which said not to overfill the pans, so I decided to use three pans), and today I made two and a half dozen cupcakes for his class. I haven't made the icing yet, but the cream cheese is room-temping on my counter right now.

I went to a hot yoga class this morning, which rocked awesomely, in addition to giving my elbow a chance to get all better, and in a few hours we're taking the boys to the Lego Outlet at Discover Mills. If anyone hears faint screams of ecstacy, it'll be my boys.

Here's the recipe for the cake.

Best Birthday Cake

16 servings

Hands on: 50 minutes

Total time: 2 hours, 10 minutes

For the cake:

Unsalted butter and flour for preparing the cake pans

2 1/4 cups granulated sugar

1 3/4 cups cake flour (not self-rising flour)

1 1/4 cups unsweetened natural cocoa powder

2 1/4 teaspoons baking soda

1 1/4 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

3 extra-large eggs

1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted and cooled

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

1 1/2 cups buttermilk

1 teaspoon instant espresso powder or granules, dissolved in 3/4 cup boiling water, cooled

For the frosting:

4 ounces white chocolate, coarsely chopped

16 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature

1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, at room temperature

4 cups (1 pound) confectioners' sugar

Semisweet chocolate shavings (optional)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees with the rack in the center position. Coat with butter the interiors of two 9-inch round cake pans. Line each pan with a 9-inch circle of parchment paper. Lightly butter the parchment. Dust with flour, knocking out the excess.

To prepare the cake: In a large mixing bowl, sift together the sugar, cake flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder and salt. Set aside. Place the eggs in a medium mixing bowl. With an electric mixer on medium speed, beat the eggs well, then beat in the melted butter and vanilla. With the mixer still on medium speed, beat in the buttermilk and espresso, and beat only until they are combined. The mixture will appear curdled (note: my batter did not appear curdled). Scrape the liquid mixture into the flour mixture and beat on medium speed just until all traces of the flour mixture disappear. Scrape down the bowl with a rubber spatula as you mix. Pour and scrape the batter into the prepared pans, dividing it equally.

Bake the cakes for 30 to 35 minutes or until the cakes pull away from the sides of the pans and a cake tester inserted into the center of the cakes comes out clean. Transfer the cake pans to a wire rack and cool the cakes in the pans for 20 minutes. Invert the cakes onto another rack, remove the cake pans and parchment, then invert the layers again so that they are right side up. Allow them to cool completely before frosting.

To prepare the frosting: Melt the white chocolate in a metal bowl set over, but not touching, a pan of simmering water, or in a microwave-safe bowl in a microwave. When the chocolate has melted, remove the bowl from over the water and let the chocolate cool while you continue with the frosting. Place the cream cheese and butter in a large mixing bowl. With an electric mixer, beat them together on high speed for about 4 minutes or until the mixture is light and fluffy. Reduce the mixer speed to low and gradually mix in the confectioners' sugar. Increase the mixer speed to medium and beat for 2 minutes. Add the melted white chocolate and beat until well-blended. Refrigerate the frosting, covered, until it is firm enough to spread on the cakes.

When you are ready to frost the cakes, use a long, serrated knife to split each cake layer in half horizontally. Place the bottom half of one split layer on a serving plate, cut side up. Use an offset spatula or kitchen knife to spread about 3/4 cup of frosting on the exposed surface. Frosting the cut surface will loosen many chocolate crumbs, but don't worry about that. Top this layer with its other half, smooth side up. Frost this layer the way you did the first, then stack and frost both halves of the second split layer in the same way, ending with the smooth layer up. Frost the top and sides. Scatter semisweet chocolate shavings on the top of the cake, if desired.

The cake can be made one day ahead. Refrigerate it in a cake saver. Let the cake sit at room temperature for 1 hour before serving.

— From "Chocolate American Style" by Lora Brody (Clarkson Potter, $35)

Mysore-style

Got to primary today and John proposed that we do it Mysore style. There was a second-series dude there, along with a few other regulars, so we went for it. I still feel a wee bit unsure of the order in places, but I kept my eye on the second-series dude and managed not to mess up.

It was sweaty and intense. I felt at the time like I wasn't fully focused, but afterward, I could only remember the practice and nothing else, so I guess I was focused enough. John always seems to be standing by me when I do prasarita C, and he was again today. Every time I wonder just how far he's going to push my arms over. Resist or go with it? I walk that fine line between stretching and pain, between "whoa, I've never gotten my arms so close to the floor before" and "ohmigod, I need to go to the emergency room".

Speaking of pain, during the chataranga between utkatasana and virabhadrasana I, I felt a pop somewhere inside my right elbow, toward the back of my arm. For the rest of practice, lowering into chataranga was painful, but otherwise it felt okay...no problems bearing my weight on my straightened arm. On the way home, I felt a slight dull ache down into my wrist, but now my elbow is only very slightly tender.

Given my state of mind yesterday, the Rumi poem John read at the end of class really spoke to me:

Undressing

Learn the alchemy true human beings
know; the moment you accept what

troubles you've been given, the door
will open. Welcome difficulty

as a familiar comrade. Joke with
torment brought by the Friend.

Sorrows are the rags of old clothes
and jackets that serve to cover,

then are taken off. That undressing,
and the naked body underneath, is

the sweetness that comes after grief.

I'll get up tomorrow and start all over.

It's been one of those days where I just have to grit my teeth and chant "this too shall pass".

The boys were somewhat awful this afternoon...the last three bedtimes have been a struggle....money is tight...my allergies are hell....blah blah. Last night we had our last PTA board meeting of the year, and I am feeling stressed about all the stuff I need to accomplish over the summer.

I have been making an extra effort for the last several months to be less critical, less judgmental, less snarky in my thoughts....words, too, but I have been observing how quickly, and how often, I have the judgmental thought. So instead of thinking to myself how big a moron the driver in front of me is, or how so and so is such a whiner, I replace that thought with something better. I think, "I'll look for the light in them" and then I find it. I felt like I was making progress with my effort...but lately, all I hear is a litany of unkind and judgmental things in my head. I observe it, I let it go, and then along come about fifty more rude comments or passive-aggressive impulses.

A woman who's a friend of mine & in my group of girlfriends has really been yanking my chain lately. It's not her, it's me (ha!) and how I'm reacting to her. She's no different than usual, but I'm having a hard time coping with her lately. She's emotional quicksand. Oversensitive in the extreme, defensive, and you never know whether she's going to be in a good mood, burst into tears, or bite your head off. When she's feeling good, she's absolutely hilarious, sharp and funny. She also has a kind, generous heart. Other times, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her, and her negativity can bring me down. When I'm feeling kind of mellow, I can roll with it, but these days it's not so easy, and many of my grumpy impulses stem from my feelings toward her.

It's easy to be all zen when life is rolling smoothly along, but not so easy when times get tougher. At least I have gained enough wisdom to know that I will be feeling on top of the world again, soon enough.

I went to primary yesterday....I thought that once again I was going to be the only one, and in fact I was kind of hoping I would so I could practice with John, but right before we started, in walks another woman (at a quarter 'til, hmmmph) and John didn't know her very well so he taught an Intermediate level instead.

I feel like the only person in the world who takes time seriously, mostly at yoga but other places too. I am invariably the first person there for class, and I've started dawdling around so that I don't arrive until two minutes before it starts. Still - no one else arrives for another ten minutes after that, and class never seems to start on time.

I'm such a rule follower.

I did some reading today at an ashtanga ezboard, in the asana forum, and I read enough to know that I have so much to learn, still....and normally I'd be wiggling in my seat, excited about practice tomorrow and thinking "bring it on!" but tonight, in my gloomy frame of mind, all I can think is "oh, why bother."

I've been listening to a Joan Baez CD in the car lately, one that I really like called "Gone From Danger" circa mid to late 90's. I liked it enough that I went to the library and checked out "Diamonds and Rust." Is that CD not supposed to be a classic? The only song on there that, in my opinion, survives the test of time at all is the title track. Yeeesh! It was almost embarrassing.

Lazy Saturday.

Something I haven't had in a long time. Most Saturdays I am usually very driven to get lots done around the house...but I seem to have hit a wall after all the activity of the past month. Even this past week was busy with school stuff....it was Teacher Appreciation Week...and we've reached the point in the school year where only the most die-hard volunteers (ie, me) are still coming around.

Thursday is a normal led primary day for me...but as it was the second grader's day to provide food for the teachers, I had to get back up to school by 11:30 with food (a giant green salad with grape tomatoes, fresh mozzarella, and balsamic vinagrette, plus a loaf of bread I made in the bread machine) so instead I did David Swenson's 45 minute short practice at home. I tossed and turned on Thursday night so much that I had a hard time contemplating going to practice Friday morning, but my low expectations usually produce a great practice, so I went. It was the teacher who's not my favorite...he gives pretty wimpy adjustments...but he did take us through the full series, and I felt pretty good. I was thinking of Lauren during Supta Kurmasana...I really need to read up on and work on that posture...but I managed to clasp hands behind my back and inch the soles of my feet together. Then I thought "now what?? Am I supposed to cross my ankles before I bind or what??" The one time I've been fully in Supta Kurmasana, someone put me there. Lots to learn, still.....

Last night a group of us went out for dinner to celebrate a friend's 40th birthday....much fun. The boys woke me up waaaaayy too early this morning, though. We had soccer at 10:00. Will loves soccer. I think I can begin to understand, at least a tiny bit, what drives parents to spend hours and hours sitting at soccer fields. If your kid loves it, what else would you do?



After a hot week where I had to break down and turn on the air conditioning, it's in the high 50's and overcast. The boys are playing relatively well with Bionicles, and I have a crockpot of turkey thighs in a spicy sauce cooking for dinner, to be rolled in soft tortillas with guacamole, salsa & cheese. I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love which is absolutely wonderful, and I'm going to wrap up in a blanket on my bed and read for the rest of the afternoon.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Reverse Seasonal Depression

I finally discovered validation that I'm not just grumpy because my kids are out of school for the summer.

I practically foam at the mouth when I read something like "Summer is almost here!" "Good old summertime! Lazy days in the warm sun...." or any other crap about how fabulous summertime is, or worse, how bummed people are when summer is almost over. I absolutely despise summer and I have for as long as I can remember.

Maybe it wouldn't be as bad if I didn't live in the South, but god, do I suffer. The relentless heat and light...it is hell. I am seriously cranky all summer long and it feels like it will never end. "Jail cell" indeed!! It's damned long here, too - our "summer" lasts from Memorial Day to Columbus Day or Halloween. I will never, ever be able to relate to people who say they love the heat. Freaks!!!

Today was hot, bright, and in the high eighties. We stayed on the playground after school until almost 4:00. By the time we got home, I had a splitting headache and all I wanted to do was draw the blinds. That's what I have to look forward to for the next four or five months.

All of last summer, I had a four or five day a week Bikram practice and it seemed like my summer angst was not quite as bad as it usually is; maybe yoga will save me this summer.

And besides, I have this and this to look forward to.

The entire article linked is here below:

Seasonal Depression Can Accompany Summer Sun

Article Tools Sponsored By
By SARA IVRY
Published: August 13, 2002

No one looks forward to spring more than people with seasonal affective disorder, who grow depressed in the waning light of winter. A smaller group of people, however, suffer on the opposite side of the calendar.

Consider Violet Adair, a 39-year-old artist in Oakland, Calif., who gets ready for summer by filling plastic bottles with water. ''I'll put them in my freezer and I'll sleep with them,'' she said. ''I'll sleep hugging a two-liter Pepsi bottle filled with ice.''

These makeshift cooling devices help her cope with the distress that has come upon her each summer for roughly a decade. This year, she is going a step further.

Many of the rooms in Ms. Adair's loft are windowless, and she plans to paint the walls blue and aqua. She will hide out in these darkened chambers, equipped with a fan, avoiding the outdoors as much as possible until the nights again grow long.

At least Ms. Adair knows what she has: summer SAD, also known as reverse seasonal affective disorder. About 5 percent of adult Americans are thought to have winter seasonal affective disorder; researchers estimate that fewer than 1 percent have its summer variant.

Because it is a fairly esoteric condition whose origins are unknown, many people who become depressed in the summer may not realize they have SAD. They may simply think of their bouts of depression as new events rather than parts of a pattern.

''We've kind of de-seasonalized ourselves as much as possible,'' said Dr. Thomas Wehr, a research psychiatrist at the National Institute of Mental Health and an expert on seasonal affective disorder. ''You know, we turn the lights on after dark, we turn the heat on in winter, we turn the air-conditioning on in summer, and you could almost not notice. We tend to think more in a linear way rather than in a cyclic way.''

As with depression generally, more women than men appear to suffer from this condition, at a ratio some estimates put as high as two to one. It is most common among women in their reproductive years, but its onset sometimes comes as early as childhood. Researchers think it may also have a genetic component; more than two-thirds of patients with SAD have a relative with a major mood disorder.

The symptoms of the two forms of the disorder often vary, heightening the confusion. People with the more common variety typically feel lethargic in the colder months, crave carbohydrates, gain weight and sleep excessively. Those afflicted during the summer often experience agitation, loss of appetite, insomnia and, in extreme cases, increased suicidal fantasies.

The cause may differ, as well. Seasonal depression in the winter seems linked to increases in the production of melatonin, a chemical that helps set the brain's daily rhythm, set off by the decrease in light.

But ''the seasonal trigger for the summer depression is less clear-cut,'' said Dr. Norman E. Rosenthal, a Washington psychiatrist and the author of ''Winter Blues.'' ''Conventionally, the thought has been that they are more sensitive to the heat. The question of whether it's too much heat or too much light has yet to be resolved.''

Reports of summer seasonal affective disorder are often more frequent in hotter regions. A study published in the journal Comprehensive Psychiatry two years ago found that the rate of summer SAD among a group of students in Jining, 200 miles northwest of Beijing, exceeded that of students with the winter disorder. Epidemiological data in the United States have shown a higher proportion of people in the South depressed in the summer. The proportion rises as the latitude diminishes.

When moods deviate, Dr. Rosenthal said, the systems geared toward normalizing them generally take action. In seasonal affective disorder, he said, ''The challenges encountered with changing seasons seem to overwhelm those internal regulating mechanisms.''

Dr. Rosenthal and Dr. Wehr first identified winter SAD in 1984. Their findings prompted queries from many people who said they also felt depression, but in the summer.

To explore the summer disorder, Dr. Wehr manipulated patients' body temperatures. People with severe depression, he said, tend to have higher temperatures at night; among healthy people, temperatures tend to drop. Antidepressants have been shown to lower brain and body temperature.

Dr. Wehr tried to cool down patients with a kind of reverse thermal blanket, carefully making sure the environmental drop in temperature would not cause shivering as a defense against the cold. After the treatment was over, however, the patients walked out of the building into summer heat, their body temperatures rose, and the symptoms of their depression returned. The effect of re-entering a hot summer environment undid whatever effect the treatment might have had.

Like Ms. Adair, many summer SAD patients have developed strategies for combating symptoms. Air-conditioning seems to help some but not others, the doctors say. One man is meticulous about spending his time in air-conditioned environments, going from apartment to parking lot to office and back again. Another person takes frequent cold showers. A woman reportedly swam daily in the English Channel where the cold water gave her respite.

For many, the only reliable defense against summer is pharmacological.

A designer in Northern California in her early 50's takes a combination of mood stabilizers and a small dose of antidepressants throughout the year. Before summer begins, she increases the dosage as needed in consultation with her doctor.

She also is careful about staying inside, a frustrating challenge, she says, because she considers herself an outdoors person. She first suspected a seasonal link to her depression in her 30's and became more attuned to it after she learned that she had a bipolar disorder around age 40. She said that she thought that it was the light more than the heat that affected her and that she felt frantic and depressed as spring ended.

''I actually feel kind of attacked by the sun,'' the designer said. ''I feel like it's piercing into me, and I start to feel more and more desperate to escape it. I have a hard time organizing and managing daily life. By August, I'm barely able to function and don't really recover until autumn.

''October is reliably a good month. I'm waking up, and I feel like I'm being released from my summer, what I would call, jail cell.''

I'm in love!

I went to the new Trader's Joe's today, which is about five minutes from the yoga studio.

It was fabulous!!

I loved that everything is no artificial colors/flavors/transfats/high fructose corn syrup. I found lots of great snacks & lunchbox stuff for the boys - and all of it was really reasonably priced! I bought at least four different kinds of cereal bars and granola bars, fruit leather, a ready to eat salad, a big tub of cat shaped cookies, peanut butter filled pretzels, buffalo burger patties, peppermint soap, vitamins, frozen salmon, a bag of frozen potato wedges, spinach dip, hummus, guacamole, pita bread....and four bottles of Two Buck Chuck - two white, two red.

I didn't buy any of the heat & eat meals, because many of them seemed to contain rice or pasta, but they sure looked good. I can see that TJ's is going to become a regular stop in my shopping rounds.

Sunday afternoon I went to a hot yoga class. I had to reacclimate to the heat all over again, and on Monday morning, when I woke up with incredibly sore quads, my suspicion that Bikram is actually a better strength-building quad workout than ashtanga was confirmed. Bikram's utkatasana really kicked my butt, and I felt my quads burning & struggling during the third part of that posture.

Monday I had my annual exam; my finger stick showed my iron to be quite low, according to the NP, so she had me get my blood drawn for a CBC. The nurse couldn't get my veins in the first arm, so she had to try again on the other, and now I have lovely matching bruises on the inside of each arm.

Today I went to the other studio to do an intermediate primary class, but once again it was just me & John for the first bit, so we did a "silent" class like last week. As I was running out the door, I realized my yogitoes was still in the washer, so I had to go without it. I also decided to try wearing yoga shorts rather than capris to see if that made a difference. I got easily into kukkatasana, but felt a bit slippy during the maris and during parivritta parsvakonasana, which I still do with my hands in prayer.

I was able, for the first time, to achieve headstand - twice - during class. I have decided that right now it's really more about arm strength than balance. I did a headstand after my hot class on Sunday, and had no trouble, but the Bikram series doesn't work my arms like ashtanga. Today, since John was practicing along with me and not standing behind me during the maris to yank on my arms, I coasted a little bit during them so I would feel a little bit stronger for headstand. It worked - I got up, stayed for seven breaths, came down, adjusted my arms, went up again, and stayed for five breaths.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention this:



This is Peanut Butter, our rescued hamster.

Sunday I was working in garden when the lady who lives in the townhome complex which backs right up to our neighborhood called over to me and said she'd found a hamster in her backyard, and did I want it? I told her NO, I am already the sole caretaker of a pair of hermit crabs. I thought about it for a few minutes, and thought about the cats that prowl around, and I called her back over and said "oh, okay, bring it to me."

One $75 trip to PetSmart later.....I'm such a sucker. But the boys love him (or her. We didn't poke around his fuzzy hindend to check).

Here he is again. I gave him a cookie from the tub of them I bought at Trader Joe's today, and he immediately grabbed it and ran into his igloo to gnaw on it:



He really is cute, but he makes a lot of noise at night so I have to move his cage downstairs. He's going on his first trip to school for share day with Michael on Thursday; he may never be the same after that!